Honestly, part of me can’t even believe I’m writing this column, because I refuse to believe anyone would want to spend part of their Thanksgiving inside a football stadium rather than stuffing their face in a toasty family member’s home.
Never mind the fact that if you are indeed doing so, it means you’ve willingly decided to travel to Minneapolis, which is one of the more worthless cities in this great country of ours.
But alas, thanks to what’s likely undiagnosed OCD, my need for continuity and making sure that I have a write-up for every Patriots road game this year has forced me to give you the do’s and don’ts of the frozen hell that is Minneapolis, MN.
Enjoy, and have a Happy Thanksgiving!
1.) DON’T: Go to the stupid Mall of America
(Photo by Mark Erickson/Getty Images)
Unless you’re one of those types who absolutely needs to say: “I’ve been!” to whatever tourist trap happens to be where you’re visiting, trust me when I say you should avoid the Mall of America like it’s the plague.
It’s a mall.
Just bigger.
With a big stupid food court and more stupid stores you couldn’t care less about.But whee!!! It’s got an amusement park and aquarium inside of it!
Neat.
You’ll wait in line forever because the Mall of America is overrun with people.
Like, obnoxiously so.Every day we spent there broadcasting Felger & Mazz the week leading up to Super Bowl 52 was worse than the last, and I wouldn’t step foot in that place ever again.
Not to mention, it’s not even near downtown Minneapolis!
Avoid at all costs.
2.) DO: Go laugh at The Maple Leafs!
(Photo by Claus Andersen/Getty Images)
If you’re traveling this far for a Patriots road game, I’ll assume you’re spending at least a few days in Minny, so as I’ve mentioned before in these columns, you’re always best served to double-dip with attending sporting events if/when that’s applicable.
Well, good news.
The Minnesota Wild are currently in the middle of a 7 game home stand, and host the Toronto Maple Leafs on Black Friday at 1p CT.If I was in your shoes, I’d grab a few cheap seats and go boo those perennial postseason chokers from north of the border while sucking down some post Thanksgiving beers.
That’s a hell of an afternoon, in my opinion.
3.) DO: Get a Juicy Lucy!
(Photo: Big Jim Murray) Juice Lucy
Native to Minnesota, thanks to two local bars that claim they invented it, the Juicy Lucy is a cheeseburger that’s got the cheese….STUFFED INSIDE OF IT.
When properly made, that cheese will ooze out of the burger like molten hot lava with each bite, and you’ll understand exactly where the “juicy” comes in the Juicy Lucy.
The two aforementioned bars that claimed to invent this delicious burger are Matt’s Bar and the 5-8 Club
You really can’t go wrong with either option, but I preferred Matt’s when I was last out there.
And if either or those two options aren’t convenient to where you’re staying, you can find a decent enough version of the Juicy Lucy all over Minneapolis.
4.) DO: Go to Paisley Park!
(Photo: Big Jim Murray)
Prince’s home/recording facility is an absolute must see for any music fan, but it’s especially worthy of your time if you’re a fan of Prince (and who isn’t?!)
The tour is historic, informative, and just like the man himself, it’s funky and fun as hell.
Do know the following though:
Pictures and video inside of Paisley Park aren’t allowed.
Like, to the point if they see you take one, you’ll immediately be thrown out, no questions asked.
So either leave your phone behind, or just know it’ll be locked inside a pouch and you’ll get it back at the end of the tour.And…
Paisley Park isn’t actually in Minneapolis , it’s in Chanhassen, and if you’re downtown, it’ll take about a half hour or so to get there, so give yourself enough time to get there.
5.) DO: Go to this fun Arcade Bar!
(Photo: Big Jim Murray)
One of my many knocks on Minneapolis is their iffy nightlife.
I can’t fully explain it, but during my few times there I just always remember feeling like “so this is all there is?”Put it to you this way. Chicago, it ain’t.
That said, one of the better bars I did happen to go to was the Up Down Arcade Bar which was like walking back into my awkward teen years, except with beers.
Up Down has over 50 arcade cabinets from the 80’s and 90’s, skee-ball, classic pinball machines, and the occasional Mario Kart tournament night.
It’s a fun spot that’s very much like, um, Funspot in Laconia NH, and you can’t go wrong in here for a few hours.
Bonus- their slices of pizza are pretty damn tasty, too.
