Wicked Holiday Guide

Every year I see list after list of ways to avoid a fight at Thanksgiving. Don’t talk about this, that, or the other. Well, this year I decided to break the cycle and offer 20 ways to start a fight at Thanksgiving Dinner.

Have you always hated your mother-in-laws cooking? Can you not stand your uncle’s political views? Did your brother gain 45 pounds between last year’s dinner and now and you cannot think of another topic to discuss? Those are just some of the many ways you can upend the discussion. Besides, starting a family fight will distract everyone from the store-bought dish you’re trying to pass off as homemade.

(Disclaimer: Be a good person and don’t actually start a fight at Thanksgiving!)

  • 1. The Cooking

    If you’ve bitten your tongue for years with more force than it takes to chew that overdone turkey, it’s time to speak up. You never liked your mother in law anyways…Man taking a turkey out of the oven

  • 2. Politics

    Did your controversial candidate win? Did they lose? Do you feel your beliefs are right and everyone else is wrong and you need to explain that to your family in a patronizing manner? This is a great way to start a fight. Don’t hold back.

    "I Voted" stickers (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

  • 3. Sudden Weight Gain

    Dunkin' Donuts To Challenge Starbucks For Coffee Supremacy
    Weight gain is a sensitive topic. You noticed, everyone else noticed, and the person who gained the weight noticed. What better place than the dinning table during the middle of the meal than to comment on it.

  • 4. Inviting Disowned Relatives

    Couple watching TV show shocked
    Thanksgiving is a time to connect with family. To celebrate each other and the joy they bring into our lives. What better time to reconnect with your cousin that has been disowned by the family! Invite them, tell no one, and make it a surprise for everyone.

  • 5. Family Scandals

    A judges gavel rests on top of a desk

    Custody battles, DUIs, on going affairs, and bankruptcy. These are four topics people love to avoid, especially around those who don’t know the details. Why not bring them up? Ask your Great Aunt Gertrude if she knows how much Jimmy’s DUI legal defense cost and see how it goes.

  • 6. Employment Status

    We Are Hiring sign
    Is someone at the table unemployed? Is your nephew taking a gap year to grow his hair out and live in hostels across Europe? Let them know how you walk uphill both ways to work in a snow storm every morning.

  • 7. Your Inheritance

    Money Pile
    Start a rumor your grandfather is leaving his estate to his new wife and cutting everyone else out. Sit back, enjoy some turkey, and watch the drama unfold.

  • 8. Portion Sizes

    hot dogs
    We all know you are counting your Macros. Suggest to others they should really be doing the same and that plate is enough for a week. Throw in a tip they better go for a run after they finish eating because we all know they could use it.

  • 9. Fitness Tips

    jumping jacks

    (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

    Offering someone tips to increase their calorie burn to lose more weight always goes poorly when unsolicited. Encourage them to join a Crossfit cult while you’re at it.

  • 10. Child-Raising Tips

    Parenting father son
    Let your sister know you are raising your child better than she is and offer some tips on how she can improve. Your child came first, is more important, and no one else understands how to do it better. Celebrate that.

  • 11. Religion

    the touch painting

    (Photo by Fotopress/Getty Images)

    Did you recently join a new religion? Did you leave a religion? Why not pressure everyone else to do the same.

  • 12. Engagement Status

    engagement ring

    (Photo by Kate Green/Getty Images)

    Your son has been dating the same girl for years. When you get a moment (preferably in front of everyone) ask her why the happy couple is not engaged yet. Surely its not your son’s fault, he’s perfect.

  • 13. Requesting Grandchildren

    Asking the newly wed couple when they are going to be giving you grandchildren or if there is already a bun in the oven is a surefire way to put people on edge. It’s none of your business, but you have to know. No dessert until we have an answer.

  • 14. Pet Behavior Problems

    Dogs And Owners Gather For 2014 Crufts Dog Show
    We all know that millennial couple who treat their pet like a child and refuse to correct their behavioral issues. Make a list of issues, bring it to Thanksgiving, and have the conversation with them as if it were an intervention.

  • 15. Clothing Choices

    Did those jeans rip themselves? Do they have to come ripped? Why can I see your ankles?? Let the younger generation know that their fashion is unacceptable.

  • 16. Your MLM Scheme

    human pyramid
    There is no better way to get a group of perspective clients together than by attending your mother’s Thanksgiving dinner. Why get some more turkey when you can get three people to join your team who can than get three more people to join their teams all from the same table? Its a surefire way to upset someone.

  • 17. Fertility


    (Photo by Ian Waldie/Getty Images)

    You’ve already asked for grandchildren and didn’t like the answer. Now ask if one or both of the newly weds are sterile.

  • 18. Sexuality

    Large group of people in the streets waving rainbow flags
    Don’t understand it? Think it’s all a myth? Think the older generation doesn’t understand it? Ask your questions and present your answers in a hostile manner. What could go wrong?

  • 19. Money

    hundred dollar bills
    Seating everyone in order of their annual income is a surefire way to ruffle some feathers and even surprise a few people.

  • 20. Sex

    Man and woman in bed

    (Photo by Keystone Features/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

    Everyone has finished their first round of drinks. Now is the perfect time to ask everyone their best hookup story. Your father didn’t actually believe you were perfect anyways…

  • On The Big Day...

    While it may be tempting to start a fight on Thanksgiving, I encourage you to weigh the pros and cons. Celebrate, eat, drink, and be merry.

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