Felger & Mazz

Felger & Mazz

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$750,000 cash in hand.

That’s the amount of money you’d realistically have to give me to spend the weekend in Las Vegas and go to this Patriots/Raiders game.

A bigger hell I can’t imagine.

Two bad, borderline unwatchable teams in a city I despise.

Yuck.

But I know I’m in the minority.

I know that every Pats bro (including some very friends of mine) was frothing at the mouth back in the spring for the schedule to drop, so they could book their flights for THE Patriots road game of the year.

THE PATS! IN VEGAS, KID!

Eh.
No thanks.

If I’m going to go to a city in this wonderful country of ours that promises and delivers on debauchery, I’m going to New Orleans every single time.

And sure, New Orleans might be dangerous (and frighteningly so!) but at least that place is genuine and has some soul.

Las Vegas?
It’s the complete opposite.
I hate it.
It’s plastic, fake, trashy and there’s way, way too many gross people.
And if you’re into it, as a guy, past the age of like 30?
You’re into it for only two reasons.

Cocaine and Hookers.

So besides that, here’s what else you should look to do in that vapid snake pit this weekend.

  • 1.)  DO: PAY ATTENTION TO THIS SHAMELESS PLUG! 

    Sports Hub in Vegas

    If you didn’t already know, we here at 98.5 The Sports Hub are having a live broadcast party at the Wynn Race & Sportsbook, Saturday afternoon at 1PST.

    Zo, Hardy, Rich, and Wallach will all be there along with special guests, and you should go simply because if it’s going to be anything like our on the road Super Bowl parties of the past, it’ll be a hell of a lot of fun and real time’s time.

  • 2.)  DO: GO GOLFING!

    Vegas Golf Course

    Getty Images

    Much like my recommendation last week in the equally sucky Phoenix, if you’re going to be traveling to a warm climate like this, you’d be crazy not to book a tee-time if you enjoy playing; no matter how hungover you might be.

    Here’s a handy guide to get you started on where to play, or, you could always bother Hardy when you see him at the aforementioned party above.

  • 3.)  DON'T: GO ON THAT RIDE ON TOP OF THE STRAT

    Call me a pussy all you want, but I’d never, EVER, for all the money you could give me, get on Insanity- The Ride on top of the STRAT Hotel & Casino.

    The last time I was there, I had friends who went on it, and they’ve been traumatized ever since.

    Just listen to the description of this terrifying death ride courtesy of Vegas.com

    Extending over the edge of The STRAT Hotel, Casino and Skypod, Insanity – The Ride spins passengers at up to three Gs. While sitting in your escape proof seat, you’ll be lifted up at a thrilling, 70-degree angle — all while reaching speeds up to 40 mph. With views of the Las Vegas Strip, this ride combines both a physical and psychological rush.

    Yeah, NO THANKS.

  • 4.)  DO: GO PRETEND YOU’RE IN CALL OF DUTY!

    Gun Store

    Photo: Big Jim Murray

    During your stay, if you and the boys feel the need to shoot off some rounds from high powered weaponry (like an Uzi!) then you should stop by The Gun Store on 2900 E. Tropicana Ave.

    For all my gripes about Las Vegas, this place is admittedly fun as hell.
    This is not just any ol’ gun range, gang.
    There are AK47s, M1A1 submachine guns and several other guns and rifles all for you n’ your itchy trigger finger.
    All you need is your driver’s license and a little amount of money to have yourself a shootin’ good time.

  • 5.)  DO: GO TO THE RHINO

    Spearmint Rhino

    Photo: Big Jim Murray


    Friends that have been have surely told you about the Spearmint Rhino and yes, the hype is real.

    You’ll likely never see this many scantily clad hots in one room in your life.

    Yes, it’s expensive.
    Expensive cover charge, expensive drinks ($14.00 Bud Lights!!) a lot of hustle, and a non-stop effort to leave you broke, sticky and confused.

    But….

    If you’ve never been, you should indeed treat yourself to one of the world’s greatest gentlemen’s clubs.

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