Well everyone, the time has come.
We’ve reached the portion of the schedule, that I’ve been dreading having to write about since before the season even kicked off, because I know a ton of you are traveling to these next two Patriots road games, and they’re taking place in places I’m no big fan of.
So, I’ve really gotta dig deep to find nice things to say about them and give you solid recommendations that I can feel good about.
With that, pack up your golf clubs and let’s kick it off with the Road Trip Guide to: Arizona.
1.) DO: GOLF, AND THEN GOLF SOME MORE
Photo: Getty Images
Arizona, like most of the Southwest of the USA is a place that probably shouldn’t be inhabited by human beings 10 months out of the year.
It’s a hot, dry hellhole of an ecosystem that includes literal monsters like scorpions and rattlesnakes and enough prolonged sunshine to cook your brain like eggs in a skillet.
All that said?
As someone who’s been bit by the golf bug somewhat recently, I am extremely envious of the ability to go out and play a round any time you damn well please at this time of year in Arizona.
Even if you’re like a 30+ handicap, and you’re going out there, and you haven’t booked a round or three?
You’re an asshole.So don’t go out there and look like a gaping one.
Use this guide here to find out where you can set up some tee times!2.) DO: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DOUBLE DIP!
(Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images)
As I’ve mentioned before in these columns, if you get the opportunity to see another local team play during your Pats road trip, you do it.
And in case you didn’t know, not only can you do just that during your stay in Phoenix, but you also get to see one of OUR teams too!
The red hot Bruins will be playing in the hilariously tiny confines of the Mullett Arena, home of the Arizona Coyotes on Friday night.
Seeing as this arena literally only holds 5,000 people, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that as of writing this, a couple of tickets on the secondary market will run you about $500 with fees.
But just swipe that credit card and worry about that later!
When’s the next time you’re going to get to watch the Bruins play in an arena that’s a tad bigger than HockeyTown in Saugus, MA?
And if you can’t make that game, the Coyotes have another home game Sunday night against Philadelphia.
3.) DON’T: BELIEVE THE HYPE ABOUT THE CLUBS
Photo: Getty Images
If you’ve talked to any dude who’s been to Phoenix or Scottsdale in recent years, they will most certainly bring up The Hots.
And it’s true.
For all the bad of that area, the one (strikingly) great thing about Phoenix/Scottsdale is you’ll probably never see so many top shelf Hots condensed into an area in your life.
I bring this up, because many of these Hots happen to make a very good living working as bartenders and bottle service girls at the many clubs in the Phoenix and Scottsdale area.
This viral TikTok video is proof.
Good for her (and them!)
Get that money.But, in my opinion, that money should be from locals and suckers who don’t know better.
Because the hyped clubs of Phoenix and Scottsdale are all some of the douchiest, most obnoxious, overpriced, ear piercingly loud places on the planet, and they all stink.
If anyone in your travel party is bugging the rest of you to go to: Hi Fi, El Hefe, Riot House, Casa Migos or anywhere that even SOUNDS like it might be “the club”, you tell them to either piss off or go alone.
4.) DON’T: SKIP THE MEXICAN FOOD
Photo: Big Jim Murray
If there’s one saving grace about the Southwest, it’s the cuisine; specifically of the Mexican variety.
If you already know, then you already know.
If you don’t, I’ll sum it up like this.
When you end up eating Mexican food in the Southwest, you quickly realize how shitty ours really is in the North East.
Eating Mexican food in the Phoenix area is like eating, well, pretty much anything in New Orleans.
In other words, it’s pretty much impossible to find a bad meal.
You can walk in anywhere, and I can pretty much guarantee it’ll be a mom n’ pop type operation that’s going to blow your mind, but if you DO need a couple of recommendations, I’d suggest trying Tacos Chiwas or Bacanora
5.) DO: TAKE A TRIP BACK TO THE 1950’s!
Photo: Big Jim Murray
Open since the 1920’s, MacAlpine’s Diner & Soda Fountain is just the kind of kitschy Americana that I absolutely LOVE.
Walking into this place makes you feel like Marty McFly walking back into a soda shop circa 1955.
Plop yourself down at the counter, order up a Dagwood or cheeseburger, and then wash it down with an ice cream soda.
A lot of stuff (most, really) in Phoenix sucks, MacAlpine’s doesn’t.
Make it a point to grab lunch here when you’re not stuffing your face with Mexican food.