Big Jim’s Patriots Road Trip Guide To: Phoenix
The bye week has come n’ gone, and thanks to the quirky new expanded schedule, the Patriots find themselves back in Glendale, AZ for the second time in two years to take on Kyler Murray and the Cardinals.
A team, and quarterback, that I admittedly put far too much stock into earlier this season and now look like a complete moron for doing so, as they’ve lost three straight games and Kyler Murray looks completely overwhelmed in the pocket.
Anyway, if you’re heading out to the Phoenix area for this weekend’s game, feel free to use this handy road trip guide to assist you in your adventure.
1) DON’T: SKIP THE MEXICAN FOOD
If there’s one saving grace about the Southwest, it’s the cuisine; specifically of the Mexican variety.
If you already know, then you already know.
If you don’t, I’ll sum it up like this.
When you end up eating Mexican food in the Southwest, you quickly realize how shitty ours really is in the Northeast.
Eating Mexican food in the Phoenix area is like eating, well, pretty much anything in New Orleans.
In other words, it’s pretty much impossible to find a bad meal.
You can walk in anywhere, and I can pretty much guarantee it’ll be a mom n’ pop type operation that’s going to blow your mind, but if you DO need a couple of recommendations, I’d suggest trying Tacos Chiwas or Bacanora
2) DO: GOLF, AND THEN GOLF SOME MORE!
Arizona, like most of the Southwest of the USA, is a place that probably shouldn’t be inhabited by human beings 10 months out of the year.
It’s a hot, dry hellhole of an ecosystem that includes literal monsters like scorpions and rattlesnakes and enough prolonged sunshine to cook your brain like eggs in a skillet.
All that said?
As a hack golfer myself, I am extremely envious of the ability to go out and play a round any time you damn well please at this time of year in Arizona.
Even if you’re like a 30+ handicap, and you’re going out there, and you haven’t booked a round or three?
You’re a dummy.
So, do yourself a favor and book a few tee times!
3) DON’T: BELIEVE THE HYPE ABOUT THE CLUBS
If you’ve talked to any dude who’s been to Phoenix or Scottsdale in recent years, they will most certainly bring up The Hots.
And it’s true.
For all the bad of that area, the one (strikingly) great thing about Phoenix/Scottsdale is you’ll probably never see so many top shelf Hots condensed into an area in your life.
I bring this up, because many of these Hots happen to make a very good living working as bartenders and bottle service girls at the many clubs in the Phoenix and Scottsdale area.
This viral TikTok video is proof.
Good for her (and them!)
Get that money. But, in my opinion, that money should be from locals and suckers who don’t know better.
Because the hyped clubs of Phoenix and Scottsdale are all some of the douchiest, most obnoxious, overpriced, ear piercingly loud places on the planet, and they all stink.
If anyone in your travel party is bugging the rest of you to go to: Hi Fi, El Hefe, Riot House, Casa Migos or anywhere that even SOUNDS like it might be “the club”, you tell them to either piss off or go alone.
4) DO: TRY THE “GREATEST PIZZA IN AMERICA”
It may come as a surprise to some of you, but according to many reputable chefs and foodie websites, many agree that the best pizza you can find in these United States, is in Phoenix, Arizona at Pizzeria Bianco.
It should also not come as much a surprise to many of you who know me – a notorious grump – that I do NOT agree with those who feel this way about this pizzeria.
Often regarded as one of the best pizzerias in the country, Pizzeria Bianco is the brainchild of Chris Bianco, whose dedication to quality ingredients and perfect execution has made it a Phoenix institution.
The wood-fired pizzas here have a cult following. So much so, that it was even featured in a Netflix special. It’s also a Neapolitan style pizza, which is why I admittedly don’t really love it.
Don’t get me wrong – The Margherita or the Wiseguy (with wood-fired onions, smoked mozzarella, and sausage) are quite tasty, and the crust is perfectly cooked.
It’s just that I don’t love Neapolitan style pizza, and I’d much rather have a NY style slice from a spot in New Haven.
But sure, you should go check it while you’re out here.
5) DO: TAKE A TRIP BACK TO THE 1950’S!
Open since the 1920s, MacAlpine’s Diner & Soda Fountain is just the kind of kitschy Americana that I absolutely LOVE.
Walking into this place makes you feel like Marty McFly walking back into a soda shop circa 1955.
Plop yourself down at the counter, order up a Dagwood or cheeseburger, and then wash it down with an ice cream soda.
Make it a point to grab lunch here when you’re not stuffing your face with Mexican food.
