Toucher & Rich

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Brookline 911 is 100 percent real, actual 911 calls from the “Angriest City in America,” according to Toucher & Rich: Brookline, Mass.

Here’s one about a kid clearly disturbing the peace by acting like a kid in a park.

Brookline 911 Transcript

911 Operator: Brookline Police.

Caller: Oh, hi. There is a very stupid child on the baseball diamond at Pierce Park.

Toucher: Well, you’ve made that. Like Greta Van Susteren or whatever the hell her name was. Who’s the lady that went crazy on the environmental girl.

Rich: Oh, I don’t know.

Toucher: It was the lady that went nuts. And she compared it to children of the corn.

Rich: Oh, I didn’t see that. I have no idea.

Toucher: One of them FOX people.

Rich: You know, you’re in for. There’s this stupid kid at a park.

Toucher: Yeah. He’s stupid. I’ve been giving him an IQ test from the window here.

911 Operator: Brookline Police.

Caller: Oh, hi. There is a very stupid child on the baseball diamond at Pierce Park. There is a child on the baseball diamond at Peirce Park kicking up huge clouds of dust.

Toucher: Oh, wow. Imagine being a kid, man. Oh, wow. What a dummy. Imagine that. Next thing you know, he’ll start playing with a stick. Boy, oh, boy. What? What a dumb ass these little. Look at him enjoying himself, going out in a dirt pile. And next thing you know, he might jump in a pile of leaves. What an idiot. It’s a very. It. And they kick it up dirt. It’s not like she has to rake the damn thing when it’s time to play. I might call 911, but not her.

Caller: Which make it very difficult for people with asthma to breathe. It’s spreading all over the neighboring buildings and all over the park. Do you think you should send somebody over there and tell them to stop doing that?

911 Operator: A kid is on the baseball field kicking dust?

Caller: Yes.

911 Operator: And you want a policeman?

Toucher: You know, you have to be incredibly idiotic for a nine because we’ve had this particular 911 guy on before. I reckon we’ve never had anyone question.

Wallach: No, that’s the thing. You have to really be stupid for the 911 guy to break character.

Toucher: If you have such crippling asthma. First of all, why do you live in Massachusetts? Why don’t you move out to Arizona? And second of all, I don’t know about dust and asthma, but don’t live by a big pile of dust.

Rich: I’ve heard these people get calls who are on the other end of these now on calls over and over again. The most ridiculous things might computers beeping, can you send a police officer? Somebody put a pink flamingo in my front yard. Walking a dog. And I don’t think I’ve ever heard one go “Are you kidding me? There’s a kid out there kicking dirt. And you want me to send an officer?”

Toucher: There’s a very dumb kid climbing a tree?

Rich: He was stupid.

Caller: There is a very stupid child.

Rich: He was stupid the way he kicking dirt.

Toucher: Oh, God. Oh, yeah. He’s. He’s. He’s over there. He’s a. What?

Rich: So we have a lot of people on Twitter saying you can actually hear the operator’s first reaction to the call when she called the kids stupid. He goes, “excuse me.”

Toucher: Yeah, no, no, I heard that right. He goes, What is a very stupid child kicking up dirt? Yeah. Those dumb kids enjoying themselves, walking around.

Rich: Can I hear his reaction one more time?

Toucher: Yes, I will play it right. Oh, my God. Just. You just hate everything. Hate a kid playing. What do you expect the kid to do? That’s all you can do. You’re bored. You’re kicking dirt around.

911 Operator: Brookline police.

Caller: Oh, hi. There is a very stupid child on the baseball diamond at Pierce Park. There is a child on the baseball diamond at Pierce Park kicking up huge clouds of dust, which make it very difficult for people with asthma to breathe. It’s spreading all over the neighboring buildings and all over the park. Do you think you could send somebody over there and tell them to stop doing that?

911 Operator: It’s a kid on the baseball field kicking dust?

Caller: Yes.

911 Operator: And you want a policeman?

Caller: Creating huge clouds of dust, which make it very difficult for people with asthma to breathe.

Toucher: Do you know there is a lot of problem with dust in Brookline because there was the guy with the leaf blower that was kick it off.

Rich: Yeah, yeah.

Toucher: That’s in a threatening manner.

Rich: He was pointing to lean forward towards wind blowing dust. This way. Yes.

Toucher: Oh, my God. I bet you she wants this kid arrested. I bet you anything. She wants him arrested.

Caller: It’s a health hazard.

911 Operator: Has anyone gone and asked the kid to stop?

Caller: I don’t know. It’s not my kid. And you know how people are when you speak to their kids.

911 Operator: Miss, what playground is he at?

Caller: Pierce.

911 Operator: What’s the kid wearing?

Caller: A white T-shirt and dark shorts.

911 Operator: How old is he about?

Caller: I don’t know. Nine.

Rich: Arrest her, arrest her. Just take your car and arrest her.

Wallach: Take her driver’s license!

Toucher: You know how she says, you know, like, you know how people are when you yell at their kids? Yeah. I mean, everyone sucks the way that they don’t want psychopaths yelling at them for doing nothing wrong.

Rich: Someone said don’t take this woman to Fenway. Can you imagine?

Wallach: He’s kicking up dirt on a baseball diamond in a park. He should be kicking up all your dumb flowers.

Rich: But you’re calling 911 on a nine year old. Cause he’s being a nine year old at a place where that is sanctioned for him to be a nine year old.

Toucher: He’s not, you know, quietly reading, so call the police.

Caller: I don’t know, nine-ish, maybe.

911 Operator: All right. We’ll go see if we can talk to him.

Caller: Terrific. Thank you.

Rich: Okay. Somebody said, you know, people are would you speak to their kids? They’re just going to call the cops instead. What the hell, lady?

Toucher: I just she knows exactly how people are when you talk to her kids because she’s probably got yelled at 75 times for busting into people’s business.

Caller: There is a very stupid child on the baseball diamond at Pierce Park.

Rich: His reaction. “Excuse me?!”

Toucher: Well, there’s a very stupid child eating ice cream and it’s getting all over the sidewalk.