New England Patriots

MIAMI, FL - DECEMBER 09: Kenyan Drake #32 of the Miami Dolphins carries the ball for the game winning touchdown during the fourth quarter against the New England Patriots at Hard Rock Stadium on December 9, 2018 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images)

By Ty Anderson,

The Miami Dolphins finally have something worth celebrating, and it appears they want to cash in on it, as they’ve filed the paperwork for trademarks for the ‘Miami Miracle’ of their most recent regular-season win against the New England Patriots.

If the Dolphins get their way here, they will own all the rights to ‘Miami Miracle’ in print, merchandise, and in broadcasts.

Or, in other words: the Miami Dolphins are massive, massive losers.

Of course, nothing about this is uncommon; Robert Kraft and the Patriots have filed trademarks for “19-0” and “Perfect Season” (they’ve yet to accomplish either of those, by the way), and Pat Riley still has trademark rights to “three-peat” (and probably has another for “Scarecrow Al Pacino Melting Under Eight Pounds of Hair Gel,” but that’s for another day).

Still, this was a regular season victory over a team they play two times a year.

This could have ended with Ryan Tannehill pulling a jersey over Patrick Chung’s head and it still would not have been worth any sort of trademark. This isn’t The Philly Special or The Immaculate Reception. It’s a play that propelled the Dolphins to a regular season win that largely means nothing after they were smacked around by a 41-17 final the following week.

(God, life is awfully sad when you’re a team clinging to a title won in 1973 and a quarterback that never won a thing.)

Oh, and a quick reminder: The Miami Dolphins have not won a playoff game since the 2000 NFL season, and they have only qualified for postseason play in three of the 17 seasons that have followed since that victory (a Wild Card weekend overtime victory over the Colts). And unless they get a ton of help in the final two weeks of the 2018 season (enjoy this ice cream headache), that stretch seems likely to bump its way up to three times in the last 18 seasons by the year’s end.

But hey, at least they’ve found a reason to celebrate for something other than another team failing to go undefeated wire-to-wire, meaning Nosferatu Shula will hopefully stay stand-sleeping in his coffin for the time being.

Ty Anderson is a writer and columnist for Any opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of 98.5 The Sports Hub, Beasley Media Group, or any subsidiaries. Yell at him on Twitter @_TyAnderson.